January 3rd, 2019

I’ve recently felt as though I’m making strides toward rediscovering my old self, my truest self, and my higher self.

Yea, all of them. Thinking this usually comes from pitying the possibility that I very well may have been aimlessly wandering around, lost, for the last four-five-six years under this shell of a body. Every once and a while I feel that my higher self would peek her head out to say hello, but otherwise, I’ve mostly felt that those years were lost to my ego.

It’s funny, because now that I am in New York City (one of the most indulgent cities in the world) and pursuing a performance career (seemingly gluttonous, highly invested in the external) I am being forced to regain my authenticity.

If I never left the small town, I am certain of a few things:

  • I would have lived a pretty darn happy life on the Santa Fe River in North Central Florida.
  • I would have been financially-secure.
  • I may have felt more fulfilled supporting opportunities and communities that I believe in.
  • I would have kept on keeping on listening to others’ wisdoms that are true for their own shells and paths. Because I believe in listening. I would have kept on keeping on caring so much for them and their paths that I would be walking on egg-shells around every one I came into contact with, being careful not to lose their belief in me- in the fact that no matter what, there was a safe place for them to feel supported. Because I believe in support. Soon I would have been filled to the brim with the wondrous and beautiful lives of other people, and I would have no room to really receive any of my own wisdom. I would dish it out for those who asked, but I’d never truly take it for myself. I would continue to believe that my opinion was not important enough to aid in my own decision-making, remain forever in search of all the second opinions, and lose time to “research.” The slow sacrifice: my own growth.

Needless to say, I left. So far I have only been confronted with people who want to buy into my brand; I am constantly required to dig deeper into myself, and haul the best parts of me to the surface. As painful as it is sometimes- because ironically enough, my ego likes to tell me that it might seem egotistical to promote myself- it is therapeutic in ways that I did not even know I needed. It’s as if I’ve taken myself on a little retreat, and though it doesn’t look like the ones in my dreams where I’m on the beach doing yoga every morning and reading with a glass of wine every night, it has oddly enough still forced me to get up and make time for those things. I have few people here that I connect deeply with (namely my partner and our little dog)

and it is healthy for me, for now. I think I’ll always have this duality about me- wanting to go and wanting to stay, wanting to live a simple life and wanting to answer my calling. But for the moment, I am finding balance in taking care of myself. I am utilizing my time better. In turn I feel that I’m actually working towards bigger things, with a community that doesn’t waste time on themselves, but rather encourages regular maintenance and introspection, so that they can produce real strides.

I am a work in progress, but I am so grateful.

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